'Faith Evaluation Service'
You pass, if you survive the Bergoglian
'catechism' with your Catholic faith intact
Translated from
January 29, 2017
I enter the church. I start saying the rosary in Latin.
A man approaches me and says:
- If I were you, I wouldn't do that.
I look at him and ask:
- And who are you?
- A priest.
- A priest?
- Yes.
- But why aren't you dressed like a priest?
- Oh, that's no longer done. We must be welcoming...
- You can't be welcoming if you're dressed as a priest?
- You like to joke, don't you?
- I'm not joking.
- Nonetheless, you wouldn't by any chance be saying the rosary against immigrants, would you, like they did in Poland?
- Actually, I was praying for the souls in purgatory.
- Purgatory?
- Yes, why?
- Are you sure it exists?
- Of course, it exists.
- Well, I wouldn't be too sure, if I were you.
- Not sure how?
- It's a medieval remnant... you know? – God judges, he punishes. Little mercy there. Who are we to judge?... Anyway, why do you pray in Latin?
- Because I want to.
- Why?
- It makes me feel nearer to God.
- Ummm...
- What is it now?
- I wouldn't be too sure of that.
- Of what?
- That Latin brings you closer to God.
- It's not Latin in itself – it's Latin as a sacred language.
- Sacred?
- Yes.
- Ummm...
- Now what?
- I wouldn't be too sure..
- Of what?
- What you say about 'sacred'...
– Yes, what about it?
- The sacred – that's an old idea. One does not have to be in a certain place or to express oneself in a different way.
- Fine, as you wish. May I continue with my rosary?
- Go on, go on... Anyway...
- What?
- Are you sure?
- Of what?
- Of the words you are praying.
- Of course I am sure.
- Even when you say the Our Father?
- Of course!
- Ummmm...
- What now?
- They didn’t have tape recorders then. How can you be sure?
- Listen, all I want to do is say my rosary.
- Yes, but if I were you...
- What?
- I would say it quietly.
- Why?
- They may mistake you for a Pole.
- Oh please, can you just leave me in peace?
- Peace?
- Yes, in peace!
- Ummm...
- Now what?
- A true Christian is always inquiet!
- Listen, friend, I have little time. Let me finish praying...
- Ah, time! Do you know that it is superior to space?
- What on earth are you saying?
- It's not me who said it...
- OK, as you wish. Now let me finish my rosary.
- In Latin?
- I've already told you why.
- Well, I wouldn't... because then they will think you are a traditionalist. On top of being a Pole.
- I really don't care – they can say what they want.
- And you're happy with that?
- Yes, I am.
- Even if... in the name of parrhesia, I must denounce you for being a traditionalist?
- What are you saying!
- But I will be merciful to you... And give you friendly advice: better not to kneel!
- Why?
- Kneeling, you are like the Pharisee, a hypocrite.
- What?
- You know... the new prescriptions.
- What prescriptions? I kneel because I want to kneel. It's part of devotion.
- I would say devotionalism!
- Really! Make my day!
- And friend, speak slowly and quietly. Don’t make a scandal!
- Well, now that's just great! I am making a scandal?
- Of course, with these practices from the past! While everything is changing. You must see the signs of the times! You must have discernment...
- Go ahead, discern! And let me pray the rosary.
- And that makes you feel at home, right?
- No, it makes me feel good.
- Right, wearing your pickled-pepper face!
- How dare you...
- We must be joyful! Instead, you prophets of doom...
- That would be you.
- Well, there's the typical aggressiveness of the traditionalist!
- I am not aggressive. I am just tired of your absurdities.
- Ah, the hard of heart...
- And you are mad!
- Don’t you know that the Christian is a missionary of mercy?
- Please, just go!
- A man of joy! – That's a Christian. Not intolerant and fundamentalist...
- I am not intolerant. And I am a fundamentalist in that I take to heart the fundamental things. And now I just want to finish my rosary.
- It is clear you lack discernment.
- And you are quite unbelievble!
- There you are – a parlor Christian!
- What would that be?
- Closed, rigorist...
- Iam not closed at all – but I close up when I meet people like you.
- Yeah, Yeah... You pass yourself off as a believer but you think only of yourself – whited sepulcher!
- Lord, help me!
- What did you say?
- I am praying to the Lord. To help me. To give me strength. To restrain me.
- From what?
- From sending you...to 'that place'!
The man smiles and says:
-Bravo! You passed the test!
- What test?
- The test I put you through! We do this once in a while.
- You??? Who are you?
- We belong to the SVF.
- SVF?
- Servizio Valutazione Fede (faith evaluation service). We ask questions and we evaluate you based on your answers. But please, go on praying and excuse me for bothering you.
I did not know what to say and could only murmur:
- Very well, thank you!
He smiles. Now his face seems luminous, as he says:
- Oh, I forgot!
He hands me a prayer card depicting St Michael Archangel, defender of the faith. Sword and all.
I turn to thank him. But he has disappeared.